


The Talk

by longhairshortfuse



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Family, Multi, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-25 05:12:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4947982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/pseuds/longhairshortfuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roger needs homework help for a question close to his heart.<br/>"How do people make babies?"</p>
<p>He's not happy with any of the explanations from his dad or his uncles.<br/>But will Earl work out what's <i>really</i> bothering him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Talk

Roger thundered upstairs, threw his schoolbag on his bed and rushed downstairs again, almost barging into Uncle Carlos who had only just come in the front door after stopping to chat to a neighbour, probably about something involving science. Roger didn't have ears for that today. Instead of being polite, he'd run indoors to find his dad.

"Dad? Da-a-a-ad!"  
Earl looked up from the kitchen worktop. Roger rarely yelled. He didn't make much sound with his mouth at all, really, although only his teachers called him _a quiet child._  
"Hey Roger! Hug? Good day at school?"  
Roger agreed to the briefest of embraces before hopping around the kitchen, stopping to pick up and put down random objects and play percussion on the table. Earl stood and watched until the boy calmed a little, enough to listen.  
"Good day at school?"  
"Huh s'pose."  
"Got any homework?"  
A nod.  
"Is it Uncle-help homework or dad-help homework or can you do it yourself?"  
"Dad-help."  
"Go get it then!"  
Earl smiled as his son dashed off. 

Roger returned a minute later clutching a scrap of paper. On it, in his own taught-by-spiders handwriting, was one question. Earl read it and raised his eyebrows. Roger explained.  
"We had a lesson and I didn't understand. Miss said to write down any questions but she said I should save that one to research at home."  
Earl read it again and sighed. He knew this day would come, but somehow hoped Roger's curiosity would pique on one of his work nights.  
"Roger, sweetie, are you sure this isn't an Uncle-help question?"  
"Oh," Roger shrugged. "If you don't know either we could both ask Uncle Carlos."  
"No," Earl smiled. "You go ask and I'll make dinner. I'll find out all the details from Uncle Carlos later."

Roger helped himself to lavenderade from the fridge and went to find Carlos. He climbed up on the sofa and tapped Carlos on the arm. Carlos closed his laptop and smiled.  
"Hey buddy, is it homework time?"  
"Mm-hmm but there's only one question I have to research."  
"Can I see?"  
Roger handed over his slip of paper. Carlos read it and went silent and still. He rubbed his chin after a full minute when Roger pushed his leg.  
"Hmm. That is, hmm, a complex question. Hmm."  
"Yes," said Roger, "but can you answer it?"  
Carlos smiled. "I will certainly try. It is _very_ scientific."

Earl listened from the kitchen doorway, relieved that Carlos was equal to the task.  
_Okay. So when a man and a woman want to have a baby, the man puts his penis inside the woman's vagina..._  
_...how does that work?_  
_Oh, the erectile tissue in the penis engorges with blood and it becomes turgid. The vagina is self-lubricating and produces a kind of mucus..._  
_...ewww!_  
_It's totally science! Anyway it means the penis can enter the vagina and sperm is released inside the vagina. The sperm swim through the uterus to the oviducts. If there is an egg in the oviduct, a sperm fertilises the egg and..._  
_... an EGG! Like the ones in the fridge?_  
_No, well maybe a bit, but much much smaller and with no shell._  
_...So men and women have sex to make babies?_  
_Yes._  
_...Oh. Am I going to get a little brother or a little sister or a little someone? Are you and Uncle Cecil going to have one each? That would be so neat!_  
_Umm, what?_  
_...You both have sex with dad, don't you? Are you trying to make babies?_

"Roger! Need you in the kitchen!"  
Carlos shook himself with relief when Earl distracted Roger. He opened his laptop again and searched for suitable educational videos.

Roger frowned at his dad.  
"Eww there was mucus."  
"I heard. Did you understand all those scientific words?"  
"Some of them. Like... penis, mucus and sperm."  
"None of the rest?"  
Roger pressed his lips together and shook his head.  
"Okay. Okay, sit there." Earl pointed at a kitchen chair. Roger sat. Earl sat opposite.

"Okay. Umm. You know how women and men have different bodies?"  
Roger frowned. "You and Uncle Carlos and Uncle Cecil are all men and you have different bodies."  
"I know, sweetie," Earl looked around for props. "Okay, most men have a penis." Earl took a banana from the fruit bowl. Roger frowned and shook his head.  
"Mine does NOT look like..."  
"I know, I know. Bear with me," Earl waved a hand at the banana. "It's just to help me explain."  
"Oh. Go on."  
"Most women have a vagina." Earl looked around again but the only prop he could see was the oven mitt. He cocked an eyebrow at Roger. The boy shrugged. "That's an opening big enough for..." Earl pointed at the banana.  
"A banana?"  
"A penis to fit inside."  
"Oh."  
"When someone with a penis wants to have sex their penis gets a bit longer and harder."  
"Oooh!" Roger's eyes opened wide and his eyebrows climbed a notch higher. Earl tried to keep his face serious.  
"Sometimes that happens even when the person doesn't want to have sex, hasn't thought about it. It's okay if it just happens sometimes."  
"Oh."  
"Anyway," Earl frowned. "When they have sex--" 

"HI CARLOS, HI EARL, HI ROGER I'M HO-ome!"  
Earl grinned at Roger.  
"Go say hi to Uncle Ceece."  
Roger ran through to hug his uncle.

"Learn anything cool today?"  
Roger nodded.  
"I'm learning how babies happen for my homework."  
"Oh! How sweet! You know all about the chants and the bloodstone circles and the sacrifices to the Brownstone Spire, right? And the nights of searching in the arroyos by moonlight?"  
Roger stared. Carlos rolled his eyes. Earl snorted.  
"Sorry, Ceece, I totally forgot to tell my son to take an offering to the spire when he wants to have babies."  
Roger made a face.  
"Eww! I don't want to make babies."  
"Earl!" Cecil chided. "These things have to be done in a suitably ritualistic manner. Otherwise who knows what might happen!"

Earl took a breath in to argue that perhaps tradition was not the best dictator of sex-ed when Carlos stood up and called out.  
"Hey, Roger? Come and watch this."  
Carlos led Roger up to his room and settled him in front of the laptop, then left him alone.

Twenty minutes later, Roger came back downstairs and solemnly handed Carlos his laptop. Carlos smiled.  
"Did that answer your question?"  
Roger nodded.  
Earl frowned. "Carlos, what exactly did you show him? If it was that clip you watched with me and Cecil then I don't think--"  
"No!" Carlos's hand flew to his mouth. "No, it was very scientifically educational." He hit replay and put the laptop down.  
Roger escaped back to his room. 

In the privacy provided by his closed door and his dad and uncles' giggling, Roger pulled Uncle Cecil's phone from his pocket. He told himself he was only borrowing it and Uncle Ceece would probably have said yes anyway, so it didn't matter that he hadn't asked. Asking would have meant interrupting, and that's rude. Roger scrolled through Cecil's contacts until he found the one he wanted. 

_Hey Cecil, glad you called--_  
"Uncle Steve? It's Roger, I borrowed Uncle Cecil's phone."  
_Oh! Hi there buddy! You need something?_  
"Can I talk to Janice? I need to ask her about some homework."  
_Oh, sure thing, kid. Hold on. JANICE!_  
...  
_Huh? Hey._  
"Hey."  
_What's up?_  
"I need homework help."  
_What are you stuck on?_  
"Um, the bit about our questions. I asked how do people make babies. Uncle Carlos was, like, all sciencey and Dad thinks you need a banana and Uncle Ceece said--"  
_Lemme guess. Brownstone spire, chanting?_  
"Uh-huh. I need to know which of them is right before I look like an ass at school tomorrow."  
_Oh. Hold on. DA-A-A-AD? CAN YOU TELL ROGER ALL THE GROSS STUFF MOM TOLD ME EARLIER?_  
Roger hung up before Uncle Steve could make things any more confusing.

Five minutes later, Earl knocked on Roger's door and stuck his head through the smallest gap he could manage.  
"Hey, Roger, can Uncle Ceece have his phone back now? Uncle Steve texted me to say were you okay."  
Roger felt his head buzz and his joints weaken as he put the phone on the end of his bed. Earl came in and pocketed it.  
"If you need to call someone, it's okay just to say so and you can use my phone. You don't need to hide it."  
Roger sat in silence, staring at the wall. Earl sat beside him and gave the boy a one-armed hug.  
"What's really bothering you?"

Roger sighed.  
"The whole lesson happened because Leah's going to get a little brother soon and everyone was asking why babies happen and laughing about it."  
"Well that's very immature of them to laugh about it."  
"Mmm. Carlos said you need a man and a woman. You said there has to be someone with a penis and someone with a... a v... that other thing. And I don't want to have to go out searching in the night to get a little brother or whatever."  
"Oh. Um..." Earl processed Roger's words and tone. "Oh! You want to have a little brother too? Like Leah is going to have?"  
"Or a sister, or whatever. But the video Uncle Carlos showed me said that men don't have the right inside bits to have babies."  
Earl sighed. "No, we don't."

Earl hugged Roger again and went downstairs. Cecil took his phone.  
"I can't believe he took my phone to call _Steve!_ What did Roger have to say for himself?"  
"Leave him be for now. He just worked out we can't make him a sibling."  
Carlos frowned. "He wants us to have kids together? I thought he just didn't understand the science when he asked me if Ceece and I were trying to make babies with you."  
Earl shrugged. "He understands the science now. He'll get over it."

Carlos sat back and stroked his chin.  
"Hmm."  
Cecil frowned. "Ca-a-arlos, what are you thinking?"  
"Would it be such a bad idea?"  
Earl scratched his head. "What do you mean?"  
Carlos looked from Earl to Cecil and back again.  
"Would another kid in the family be such a bad idea?"  
Cecil's voice, drier than usual, cut across Carlos's thoughts.  
"Maybe," he said, "we could get a dog."


End file.
